So. Our new person named Pilot is 10 days old... She's beautiful and she's grown so much already. She's taught me much about GO and language and pain and patience. And it probably goes without saying: perspective.
GO. Go is not an attitude that babies subscribe to. Little farts. Not a chance. In fact, I think they may be the anti-GO. This combined with recovering from the surgery of a C-section has been a whole new challenge for me. Welcome to No-GO. Can't-GO. The ultimate slow. As much as I have been trying to fight it - I'm starting to understand and appreciate the powerful beauty of slow.
Language. I've very never been much good at figuring out new languages... I think I failed French. Baby-talk is no exception. But, I'm learning. And as helpless as I feel most of the time - I think I'm learning. I think I'm learning how to listen to her and how to try to communicate with her. And just as importantly with Dan - about this really, really big lump in my throat that flip-flops between being overwhelmed by love and gratitude and an amazing heartache-realization that every minute with her is about letting go a little bit more.
Pain. I feel like I've run the gamut of pains in the past couple of weeks. Pregnancy pains. Labour pain. Surgery pain. Letting go pain. Recovery pain. Breastfeeding pain. Disappointment pain. Rejection pain. Pain I can control. Pain that subsides. Pain that remains. Heart-overflowing pain... I expected that my body would be hurting - but, I didn't expect the pain in my heart from the hormones and the experience and the idea that you can't plan something like this and I will never be able to thank or repay the people that pull you through... At the top of the list: Dan and our doula Dana. Thank you. Thank you. So much love for you both.
Patience. I have developed a little more patience... (I know. It was shocking to me, too). It's a work in progress, but I can feel myself sinking into a calm and patience with her that I didn't expect. Don't get me wrong - when it's 4am and she's screaming at me I can't help but imagine listing her on Ebay. Not serious. Not really anyways. I am serious about creating more patience with myself and my shortcomings and my total bungling of all things mom-related. My failures with breastfeeding. My heavy tears. My total inability to GO. It's not Pilot I need to be more patient with - maybe it's me.
Perspective. Wow. They tell you this will happen - but, until it happens to you - it's just a phrase you hear. Everything changes. Not where I'm going or where I've been - but, how I get there. I feel surprisingly more me than ever before - I'm itching to paint and create and write and BE and show her how cool this all can be if you want it to.
Wow. Life is good. So good.
Today: We had a bath. We ate. We slept. We had a photoshoot and a meeting. A handful of really terrific visitors. We ate. We slept. We both cried a lot less. ;) It was important to me to get a blog post up - and look at that. It's only taken me the better part of 6 hours, but it's done. That's a start.
Thank you for the comments and the congratulations and especially the support. I didn't know how much I would need it.
Shhhh..... and ever so slowly - go.